This is what happiness looks like in Hell.
Extreme breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin have been making grocery store headlines in recent weeks after the overly-intoxicated father of eight was caught leaving a Reading, Pa. bar with a 23 year-old local schoolteacher at 2 AM on April 18.
American reality television enthusiasts can't seem to get enough and tabloid magazines across the country are milking the teet of this scandal to a level of dry perhaps only the likes of Nadya Suleman could understand.
Nothing about the Gosselins relationship woes should come as a surprise to the millions of their "fans" reading and ranting about who did what to whom and when. What's nauseating is that people are actually taking sides in this marital wasteland. It's time for a movement of the metaphorical bowel persuasion:
Why take sides when we can hate them both?
This is a couple with severe reproductive issues who, after intrauterine insemination, found themselves blessed with beautiful twin girls. When the two healthy daughters weren't enough, they decided to expand their brood - and instead of adoption (which they actually did discuss) - they opted for fertility treatment a second time around. When Kate became pregnant with sextuplets, the doctor recommended the Gosselins seriously consider selective reduction, which they [obviously] wound up refusing. Three years [millions of dollars, a new house, and one sports car] later - Jon and Kate Plus Eight is an American reality television success.
And now we're stuck with the fuckers. As Kate tours the country with her new book [can you guess what it's about?] and Jon continues with his failed attempts to nail some sweet young strange, it's hard to not feel sorry for the precious children. But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers that their teen years provide good ole Jon and Kate with an acne-ridden shitstorm of hormonal misery so severe they selectively eliminate themselves - from the public eye.