Monday, May 25, 2009

Milestones & Facts: A Mostly Pointless Post


Milestones for the Week

1. Filing for Unemployment: It's SO easy. All you need is an "I got fired" story and the Internet.

2. Signing up for Netflix (immediately after filing for unemployment): If my mailbox isn't holding Swimming With Sharks and Religulous by tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be one cranky bitch.

3. Gladiator sandals: I now own a pair. Haven't committed a fashion-forward act like this since acquiring a "purse backpack" in 1994. It wasn't even the one all the cool girls had, but no surprises there, eh?

Facts

1. I have kneed myself in the face. On more than one occasion.

2. Older women try to stave off the scent of impending death with heavy perfume. This is not okay if said woman likes to leave her condominium.

3. I couldn't walk in a straight line after twenty minutes inside Pier One Imports today. If I die in my sleep tonight, somebody PLEASE investigate their candle/potpourri department. Then hook my mom up with a sweet monetary settlement.

I'll end this post with a photo of my new favorite store, because it makes me smile. And it's the ONLY place I go for all my bead and Jew needs.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Today's Lunch Menu: Chocolate Brownies and Jack McCoy

Just in case the title of this weekday post is unclear, I should make the following announcement:

I'M UNEMPLOYED.

That's right, kids! After 50+ hours a week for more than five months, and not a single sick day to date, I'm back to considering my alternatives - or, in other words - constant fantasizing. Today I have already considered starting a beaded jewelry business, donating my eggs to the less-fertile, and becoming a drug dealer -- none of which I actually intend to do.

Instead I'll do my laundry while cursing the TNT gods for programming two hours of CHARMED right in the middle of my job-less fucking day, rendering this post title only half-true.

Screw it. I'll have my brownies while staring at this:


You're flirting with me, aren't you, Sam Waterston? And how can I resist when that jacket is so casually draped across your shoulder?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Jon and Kate = HATE

This is what happiness looks like in Hell.

Extreme breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin have been making grocery store headlines in recent weeks after the overly-intoxicated father of eight was caught leaving a Reading, Pa. bar with a 23 year-old local schoolteacher at 2 AM on April 18.

American reality television enthusiasts can't seem to get enough and tabloid magazines across the country are milking the teet of this scandal to a level of dry perhaps only the likes of Nadya Suleman could understand.

Nothing about the Gosselins relationship woes should come as a surprise to the millions of their "fans" reading and ranting about who did what to whom and when. What's nauseating is that people are actually taking sides in this marital wasteland. It's time for a movement of the metaphorical bowel persuasion:

Why take sides when we can hate them both?

This is a couple with severe reproductive issues who, after intrauterine insemination, found themselves blessed with beautiful twin girls. When the two healthy daughters weren't enough, they decided to expand their brood - and instead of adoption (which they actually did discuss) - they opted for fertility treatment a second time around. When Kate became pregnant with sextuplets, the doctor recommended the Gosselins seriously consider selective reduction, which they [obviously] wound up refusing. Three years [millions of dollars, a new house, and one sports car] later - Jon and Kate Plus Eight is an American reality television success.

And now we're stuck with the fuckers. As Kate tours the country with her new book [can you guess what it's about?] and Jon continues with his failed attempts to nail some sweet young strange, it's hard to not feel sorry for the precious children. But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers that their teen years provide good ole Jon and Kate with an acne-ridden shitstorm of hormonal misery so severe they selectively eliminate themselves - from the public eye.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Because it's Mother's Day...


Two Crucial Life Lessons from Mom:

1 - NEVER wake a sleeping baby.

2 - ALWAYS pee right after sex.

Without Mom, all I'd be is a shitty babysitter with a Urinary Tract Infection. Instead, I'm a nurturing caregiver with a clean bill of urethral health.

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who didn't give up on me after 20 hours of labor, not to mention the subsequent 26 years (some of which HAD to be more painful than childbirth). You're my rock and if you ever die, I'll freaking kill you.