Monday, October 26, 2009

Little Victories



Life is about the little victories. Like when you go to wipe and miraculously there's no job to do.

You don't trust it, of course, so there's the ever-crucial second wipe, to confirm that you didn't miss anything. And when the final results are in - that today was, in fact, Clean Shit Monday - take a moment for yourself before the lone flush.

And don't forget to wash your hands before celebrating with some Dannon Activia yogurt (it's keeping you regular, isn't it?!).

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Trying to be Funny in 140 Characters or Less

I had a little too much fun with the top Trending Topic on Twitter this evening. A bunch of comedians I'm "following" started to participate in this hashtag (#) frenzy, so I turned it into my own little comedic exercise. The topic was "oneletteroffmovies" - and if you don't understand what this means, you'll figure it out in just a moment.

MY RESULTS:

Maxi Driver: A gritty Scorsese drama about a menstruating cabbie with a thirst for violence.

Revolutionary Load: Winslet and Dicaprio team up for this dramatic tale of a marriage torn apart by a massive turd.

XXL: Vin Diesel is recruited by the government to battle chronic obesity.

Mace-Off: John Woo directed this action-packed flick starring Nic Cage and John Travolta, who duel with pepper spray.

Goy Story: A heartwarming Pixar animated adventure about semitically-challenged children's toys that come to life.

Clear and Present Manger: CIA analyst Jack Ryan must deliver an immaculately conceived baby in a Bethlehem stable.

Sling Glade: Poignant story about a simple man with the uncontrollable urge to attack people with air freshener.

The Tan Commandments: Moses receives two tablets that explain sun-safety precautions for desert-wandering Jews.

The Mighty Fucks

Mantasia: This dialogue-free Disney favorite is about worshipping the male physique and is set to classical music.

The Diary of Anne Crank: Living in an attic, a young girl chronicles her struggle with meth-amphetamine addiction.

and finally...

Beauty and the Yeast: Belle leaves her wet bathing suit on for too long and pays the ultimate price - $18 on Monistat 7.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Disturbing Costume Idea

If I was still into the whole Halloween thing, I think this year I'd go as Madonna's arms.

Trick or treat, kids. Trick or treat.