No Offense, But...

I have avoided writing about the recent Miss California controversy for as long as possible because beauty pageants twist my granny panties into knots of epic proportions. They are outdated gawk-fests devoted to applauding thin and mostly white future E! correspondents, reality show hosts, and Sarah Palins for their ability to don a bathing suit and a pair of stilettos in front of a large audience. But now Carrie Prejean ("Miss California") has become the new face for a National Organization for Marriage advertising campaign.

Prejean first shot into the controversial spotlight when during the interview portion of Miss USA she responded to judge Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage with the following:

"We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Once one finishes digesting the near unintelligible ramblings of this 21 year old evangelical, a few things come to mind:

1.) Did blondie really just coin the term "OPPOSITE MARRIAGE?"

2.) She only THINKS that she believes this?

3.) Why am I suddenly feeling nostalgic for Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 and her "everything, like, such as..." incoherence?

Now Prejean [surname is Latin for "before blue jeans"] is being championed by NOfM for "having the courage to speak up for her truth and values," according to a press release from the group, which also stated that "Carrie's courage inspired a whole nation and a whole generation of young people because she chose to risk the Miss USA crown rather than be silent about her deepest moral values."

Deepest moral values? Prejean herself said she only THINKS she believes that marriage should be between two "opposites." This chick's got stronger opinions about which hair product is most effective in the treatment of dry scalp.

What is particularly amusing is that the title of NOfM's new ad is "No Offense," which is a phrase most people utter to dilute an unarguably offensive statement. It's also the phrase used by Prejean herself during the interview that supposedly cost her the Miss USA tiara.

And speaking of tiaras, it should be pointed out that there are few things in this world [including Perez Hilton] that are gayer than a beauty pageant. A bunch of queens in heavy makeup, all vying for a cubic zirconian headpiece.

For you history buffs out there, the Miss USA pageant came about in the early 1950s when Miss America crown holder Yolande Betbeze refused to pose for publicity shots in swimwear, prompting swimsuit company Catalina to formally withdraw their funding, opting to create their own competition. Essentially, Miss USA was conceived because the actual Miss America had moral values inconsistent with Catalina's desire to objectify the crown-holder in advertisements for their swimwear.

For you readers out there working on your pageant wave, I believe it goes something like:

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch your pearls and blow a kiss - to the OPPOSITE sex."