Sunday, October 24, 2010

My debit card ("Swipey Sachs") was last seen Saturday evening in the YooHoo Room at Flappers Comedy Club.  She's about 3 years old, blue and silver, with the image of my 18 year old self located on her upper left-hand corner.  She's set to expire in March 2011 and we were really counting on making the most of these last few (financially strained) months together.

And I want a sandwich.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Car Salesman Illustrates Contract Terms (or How I Was Confused into Leasing a Corolla).

Found this treasure when I was refiling some documents the other day.

This image intimidated me into signing a three year contract on a vehicle I didn't even want.  My shame is profound.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Target in Van Nuys on a Saturday night

I love this guy.  This evening he power-walked around Target for about fifteen minutes with the loudest fucking wind chimes known to man.  Audible from any spot in the store.

He wasn't there to browse.  He wasn't there to shop.  He was there to walk around with cacophonous fucking wind chimes (and I'm pretty sure he brought his own).  Dude circled the second floor before heading down to cover the first level.  He was genuinely dedicated to pissing off everyone in the store. 

Will you look at the smile on this guy?  I've never been that happy to be at Target.

Babies and Bullet Holes in Sherman Oaks

I guess it is possible to have a baby and a sense of humor.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

The Power of Positive Thinking: There's no glass ceiling when there's no ceiling at all.

He's back and he's still got better work ethic than me.

Douchebag Alert

Fun times at the Sherman Oaks Westfield Mall today.  Driving through the parking lot I stopped to let a young guy with an elderly man in an electric wheelchair cross.  It wasn't a crosswalk, but who could possibly have a problem with stopping for an old man in a wheelchair?  Apparently the guys in the BMW who pulled up behind me.  The driver blasted his horn before hitting the gas and screeching around me, the guy and the man in the wheelchair not even out of the street.  I screamed out my window, "There's a guy in a wheelchair, you prick!"  He saw them crossing, flicked me off and yelled, "Fucking bitch!" before speeding off.

Then I parked next to a douchebag (see photo above).

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

This is something people do.

This guy's new office happens to be right in front of my building.  He shows up for work pretty much every day to put in a few hours on his laptop.  I think it's mildly amusing, but I have a feeling that the Homeowners Association would disagree.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I will not kick this guy in the balls. I will not kick this guy in the balls. I will not kick this guy in the balls...

Definitely the first time I've seen anyone stand like this at an ATM.

When I walked up to the line this guy's hands were lower than in the photo and for a split second I thought he was peeing, which cracked me up because if anybody deserves to be pissed on it's Bank of America (and BP, of course).

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Kohls: Expect Free Kids

[DISCLAIMER: This article is for (poor quality) entertainment purposes only. Sam Sachs does not condone kidnapping. She is actually really fucking maternal. Also available for babysitting gigs.

Want a child but don't feel like birthing one of your own? Are you an out-of-work kidnapper looking for an easy score?

Your search is over if you live in the San Fernando Valley.

Just head over to the Sun Valley Kohls off Laurel Canyon Boulevard on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

If they have a policy on unsupervised children, they do not uphold it. In fact, one of the store managers relayed to me that he's "a little shy" when it comes to confronting the shittiest parents, who really don't deserve these kids anyway, am I right?

Kohls has a vast selection of unattended, snatch-able youths. Sure they're all running around screaming, but this just means when you grab one and the child verbally objects, nobody is likely to notice (you're probably just the fed-up parent taking your little bastard home).

I highly recommend the Juniors' clothing department, specifically in the denim section next to the Levi's display. Twenty feet away at least one mother is preoccupied in her search for that perfect pair of skinny jeans (and she knows they're there). It is this mother who is oblivious to the fact that her children have wandered off and if you don't grab one soon they're going to be effing around in the handbag section, which is in the middle of the store. The Juniors' department is conveniently located next to the exit, if you know what I mean (and I think that you do).

Good luck and happy hunting to you.