Wednesday, April 29, 2009

No Offense, But...

I have avoided writing about the recent Miss California controversy for as long as possible because beauty pageants twist my granny panties into knots of epic proportions. They are outdated gawk-fests devoted to applauding thin and mostly white future E! correspondents, reality show hosts, and Sarah Palins for their ability to don a bathing suit and a pair of stilettos in front of a large audience. But now Carrie Prejean ("Miss California") has become the new face for a National Organization for Marriage advertising campaign.

Prejean first shot into the controversial spotlight when during the interview portion of Miss USA she responded to judge Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage with the following:

"We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Once one finishes digesting the near unintelligible ramblings of this 21 year old evangelical, a few things come to mind:

1.) Did blondie really just coin the term "OPPOSITE MARRIAGE?"

2.) She only THINKS that she believes this?

3.) Why am I suddenly feeling nostalgic for Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 and her "everything, like, such as..." incoherence?

Now Prejean [surname is Latin for "before blue jeans"] is being championed by NOfM for "having the courage to speak up for her truth and values," according to a press release from the group, which also stated that "Carrie's courage inspired a whole nation and a whole generation of young people because she chose to risk the Miss USA crown rather than be silent about her deepest moral values."

Deepest moral values? Prejean herself said she only THINKS she believes that marriage should be between two "opposites." This chick's got stronger opinions about which hair product is most effective in the treatment of dry scalp.

What is particularly amusing is that the title of NOfM's new ad is "No Offense," which is a phrase most people utter to dilute an unarguably offensive statement. It's also the phrase used by Prejean herself during the interview that supposedly cost her the Miss USA tiara.

And speaking of tiaras, it should be pointed out that there are few things in this world [including Perez Hilton] that are gayer than a beauty pageant. A bunch of queens in heavy makeup, all vying for a cubic zirconian headpiece.

For you history buffs out there, the Miss USA pageant came about in the early 1950s when Miss America crown holder Yolande Betbeze refused to pose for publicity shots in swimwear, prompting swimsuit company Catalina to formally withdraw their funding, opting to create their own competition. Essentially, Miss USA was conceived because the actual Miss America had moral values inconsistent with Catalina's desire to objectify the crown-holder in advertisements for their swimwear.

For you readers out there working on your pageant wave, I believe it goes something like:

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch your pearls and blow a kiss - to the OPPOSITE sex."

Monday, April 27, 2009

CRAMP STAMP: Mainstreaming Your Menses

Somebody out there thought that this was a brilliant idea. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with: The Period Bracelet [compliments of]. Making your menses as fashionable as AIDS and breast cancer while letting that special someone know that it's Red Badge of Courage week. Perhaps the only feeling worse than pulling out a dry tampon is having a company called "MAXI-RAD" suggest that you wear one around your wrist. Bloody infuriating, huh? I could go on, but I'm going to need some coffee and a Midol first...

*Note: This is a GENUINE product, and according to the website, can be used for "relationship management."

Parental Guidance Suggested?

Movie Moments that Terrified an Already Anxiety-Ridden Child

1.) Fried Green Tomatoes: DEATH BY TRAIN
When I arrived at my best friend's 10th birthday slumber party I never expected that by the end of the night a PG-13 movie would result in an anxiety attack so severe that I'd have to abandon my sleeping bag and share a bed with her mom. [Note to Pervs: This is NOT going where you think it is.]

Hours prior to my schluffing with Mrs. W., we held a vote for which movie rental we would watch. I'm pretty sure my vote went to Blank Check. Unfortunately, Brian Bonsall and I were the big losers of the evening and instead our party group watched the age-inappropriate Fried Green Tomatoes.

 When Chris O'Donnell's "Buddy" was accidentally crushed to death by a train, something inside me snapped. Prior to this evening, I had never thought about dying in such a manner. Perhaps the expression of fear in O'Donnell's baby blues is less disturbing in it's artificiality to an adult, but fuck if it wasn't convincing enough to instill sheer terror in my neurotic fourth grade soul.

At 26 years old, I still experience a twinge of discomfort whenever I hear a train in the distance. Harmless chick flick? I think not. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure--press play below. And do me a favor - make sure no kids are in the room.

(Hey, O'Donnell! Tell Nancy Botwin to get her own fucking hat! You're about to destroy what's left of my childhood!)

2. Hook - THE BOO BOX:
I can't imagine why, but something about being forced into a small box by angry pirates and then being covered with scorpions just never sat well with me. Now that I know the victim in this scene is being portrayed by Glenn Close, it's actually kind of amusing.

Patty Hewes couldn't scheme her way out of this one...

3. Pee Wee's Big Adventure: LARGE MARGE
There's been a great deal of advancement in computer technology and special effects since 1985, but Large Marge and her explosive [claymation?] googly eyes still creeped me the hell out. I remember being four and watching it on VHS. I'd rewind over and over again to try and desensitize myself to this scene, but the old hag still sent shivers down my spine every time. Now all I want to know is why the balls my parents were letting me watch this crap in the first place.

4. The Witches: SCARY BITCHES
There was nothing magical about the scene below. A group of batshit crazy adults hold little Luke down so they can force a pill down his throat, transforming him into a mouse. I was seven or eight when this came out on VHS, and I'm fairly certain the only pre-screening my dad did was scanning the back of the cover box at Movie Gallery right before he decided it was the perfect weekend rental for his daughters. Granted, this wasn't as bad as the time he tried to make us watch all 103 minutes of The Secret of Roan Inish (it was during that epic cinematic snoozefest I learned what being "bored to death" actually felt like).

Help yourself to some child abuse, why dontcha:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Kudos to Jewdos

Just felt like posting a quick "congratulations" to any Jew-folk who actually managed to keep it Kosher for the eight days of Pesach. May your yeast rise in sweet, leavened glory upon sunset. Amen.