Thursday, November 05, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Little Victories



Life is about the little victories. Like when you go to wipe and miraculously there's no job to do.

You don't trust it, of course, so there's the ever-crucial second wipe, to confirm that you didn't miss anything. And when the final results are in - that today was, in fact, Clean Shit Monday - take a moment for yourself before the lone flush.

And don't forget to wash your hands before celebrating with some Dannon Activia yogurt (it's keeping you regular, isn't it?!).

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Trying to be Funny in 140 Characters or Less

I had a little too much fun with the top Trending Topic on Twitter this evening. A bunch of comedians I'm "following" started to participate in this hashtag (#) frenzy, so I turned it into my own little comedic exercise. The topic was "oneletteroffmovies" - and if you don't understand what this means, you'll figure it out in just a moment.

MY RESULTS:

Maxi Driver: A gritty Scorsese drama about a menstruating cabbie with a thirst for violence.

Revolutionary Load: Winslet and Dicaprio team up for this dramatic tale of a marriage torn apart by a massive turd.

XXL: Vin Diesel is recruited by the government to battle chronic obesity.

Mace-Off: John Woo directed this action-packed flick starring Nic Cage and John Travolta, who duel with pepper spray.

Goy Story: A heartwarming Pixar animated adventure about semitically-challenged children's toys that come to life.

Clear and Present Manger: CIA analyst Jack Ryan must deliver an immaculately conceived baby in a Bethlehem stable.

Sling Glade: Poignant story about a simple man with the uncontrollable urge to attack people with air freshener.

The Tan Commandments: Moses receives two tablets that explain sun-safety precautions for desert-wandering Jews.

The Mighty Fucks

Mantasia: This dialogue-free Disney favorite is about worshipping the male physique and is set to classical music.

The Diary of Anne Crank: Living in an attic, a young girl chronicles her struggle with meth-amphetamine addiction.

and finally...

Beauty and the Yeast: Belle leaves her wet bathing suit on for too long and pays the ultimate price - $18 on Monistat 7.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Disturbing Costume Idea

If I was still into the whole Halloween thing, I think this year I'd go as Madonna's arms.

Trick or treat, kids. Trick or treat.



Thursday, August 20, 2009

Too Casual An Encounter

Why people don't think things through before trying to do something like find a sex partner online is something that continues to mystify me. Recently I created a Gmail account for the purpose of responding to Craigslist posts I find obnoxious, illiterate or an insult to humanity in general. A plethora of penis photos can be found in the M-4-W Craigslist Casual Encounter section, but unfortunately not every naked man with a digital camera knows the aesthetics involved in creating an image of his genitalia that doesn't traumatize the heterosexual female eye. One particular "gentleman" did not consult his Penile Photography manual before posting his proud pics, so I sent him a brief email:

Dear Sir,

Regarding your recent Craigslist submission to the M-4-W Casual Encounter section:

Even if you had a phenomenally attractive penis (and you, sir, do not), there is nothing appealing about a cock shot with a toilet seat in the background. These are things that women think about. And probably why no one is 'hitting you up' on Yahoo.

Best of luck in your search for some strange,

Jane


You can call me mean, but you didn't suffer exposure to those images. Besides, I'm menstruating (and therefore unstoppable). So there...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I'm Not Buying It #3,577

The most implausible part of M. Night Shyamalan's THE HAPPENING:

When a lone sweater vest transformed Mark Wahlberg into a high school biology teacher.


What exactly was Night thinking casting him here? That it would instill fear in audiences because this was the guy who was supposed find a scientific explanation for the Happening? Marky-Mark as the earnest biology teacher made the whole "plants making people kill themselves" concept seem, at the very least, incredibly plausible.

Better luck next time, Night.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Age Inappropriate Atrocity: Forever 21, You Ain't

Cougars:

I'm not forcing you to shop at Chico's or Talbot's. I'm just saying that you're in my fucking way and the "WHAT BOYFRIEND?" crop top you're sporting is embarrassing your 12 year-old daughter.

Sincerely,

Samantha J. Sachs
[Disgruntled and underfunded shopper]

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Playground Foul: You're WHAT-ing Me?!

There was one swing that was significantly better than all the others on the Temple Israel playground in Tallahassee, Florida. Twas my fourth grade year and "free time" was the best part of our day at Sunday School. A line always formed itself to the side of our favorite swing and we all took our respective turns, kicking and tucking with the playtime fury perhaps only a child could truly appreciate.

After an eternity of waiting I made it to the front of the line. When my friend Beth kicked off, it was go time. I spent the next few minutes swinging myself to freedom. I had no idea what was about to happen when Aaron Q. [name changed to protect the guilty Jewboy] approached me as the swing slowed to a stop.

He said nothing until he climbed on top of me and forced his knee between my legs.

"I'm raping you," he said, casually, as if he were simply handing me a glass of water.

Then he jumped off of me and started to run. I sat there for a moment, stunned. No one was around to see this go down and my ten year old mind was trying to process what had just taken place. I had heard the word "rape" maybe once before and had no sense of what it actually entailed, but I knew it couldn't be a good thing. And whatever the hell it was, I was pissed that Aaron Q. had done it to me.

I jumped off the swing and began to chase after my assailant. Unfortunately, my zero athletic ability forced me to use the only real weapon I've ever possessed: The English Language.

"YOU BUTTHOLE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Classy, I know. Stupid too, since Mrs. Weinstein [name changed to protect the neglectful teacher] was standing right there.

"Samantha, we do NOT name call. Apologize to Aaron."

And so, instead of informing Mrs. Weinstein that a sexual assault had just taken place on our sacred playground, I apologized to the nine year old rapist for calling him a butthole. Because I was a pussy back then.

About eight years later, Aaron Q. and his family had long since moved away. I didn't think anyone even remembered the little felon. A few of us Temple Israel seniors were hanging out when his name came up in conversation. One of my fellow female classmates took a moment to reminisce: "Dude, he raped me on the playground once. What the hell?"

What the hell indeed, girlfriend. Aaron, the serial rapist, had gotten to just about every one us with that knee of his. And he got away scot-free.

It's unlikely that Aaron Q. is still out there kneeing chicks in the crotch. I hope against hope that his disturbing behavior never escalated in the post-pubescent years, but you really never know. I did a search for him and he's definitely got an abandoned blog out there. Guy actually LOOKS like a rapist, if you can believe it. But maybe that's just because I remember him as one.

Aaron, if you're out there somewhere reading this, I know what you did was wrong - and you are still a butthole. A hairy, gaping, dingleberry-clad butthole.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Milestones & Facts: A Mostly Pointless Post


Milestones for the Week

1. Filing for Unemployment: It's SO easy. All you need is an "I got fired" story and the Internet.

2. Signing up for Netflix (immediately after filing for unemployment): If my mailbox isn't holding Swimming With Sharks and Religulous by tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be one cranky bitch.

3. Gladiator sandals: I now own a pair. Haven't committed a fashion-forward act like this since acquiring a "purse backpack" in 1994. It wasn't even the one all the cool girls had, but no surprises there, eh?

Facts

1. I have kneed myself in the face. On more than one occasion.

2. Older women try to stave off the scent of impending death with heavy perfume. This is not okay if said woman likes to leave her condominium.

3. I couldn't walk in a straight line after twenty minutes inside Pier One Imports today. If I die in my sleep tonight, somebody PLEASE investigate their candle/potpourri department. Then hook my mom up with a sweet monetary settlement.

I'll end this post with a photo of my new favorite store, because it makes me smile. And it's the ONLY place I go for all my bead and Jew needs.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Today's Lunch Menu: Chocolate Brownies and Jack McCoy

Just in case the title of this weekday post is unclear, I should make the following announcement:

I'M UNEMPLOYED.

That's right, kids! After 50+ hours a week for more than five months, and not a single sick day to date, I'm back to considering my alternatives - or, in other words - constant fantasizing. Today I have already considered starting a beaded jewelry business, donating my eggs to the less-fertile, and becoming a drug dealer -- none of which I actually intend to do.

Instead I'll do my laundry while cursing the TNT gods for programming two hours of CHARMED right in the middle of my job-less fucking day, rendering this post title only half-true.

Screw it. I'll have my brownies while staring at this:


You're flirting with me, aren't you, Sam Waterston? And how can I resist when that jacket is so casually draped across your shoulder?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Jon and Kate = HATE

This is what happiness looks like in Hell.

Extreme breeders Jon and Kate Gosselin have been making grocery store headlines in recent weeks after the overly-intoxicated father of eight was caught leaving a Reading, Pa. bar with a 23 year-old local schoolteacher at 2 AM on April 18.

American reality television enthusiasts can't seem to get enough and tabloid magazines across the country are milking the teet of this scandal to a level of dry perhaps only the likes of Nadya Suleman could understand.

Nothing about the Gosselins relationship woes should come as a surprise to the millions of their "fans" reading and ranting about who did what to whom and when. What's nauseating is that people are actually taking sides in this marital wasteland. It's time for a movement of the metaphorical bowel persuasion:

Why take sides when we can hate them both?

This is a couple with severe reproductive issues who, after intrauterine insemination, found themselves blessed with beautiful twin girls. When the two healthy daughters weren't enough, they decided to expand their brood - and instead of adoption (which they actually did discuss) - they opted for fertility treatment a second time around. When Kate became pregnant with sextuplets, the doctor recommended the Gosselins seriously consider selective reduction, which they [obviously] wound up refusing. Three years [millions of dollars, a new house, and one sports car] later - Jon and Kate Plus Eight is an American reality television success.

And now we're stuck with the fuckers. As Kate tours the country with her new book [can you guess what it's about?] and Jon continues with his failed attempts to nail some sweet young strange, it's hard to not feel sorry for the precious children. But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers that their teen years provide good ole Jon and Kate with an acne-ridden shitstorm of hormonal misery so severe they selectively eliminate themselves - from the public eye.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Because it's Mother's Day...


Two Crucial Life Lessons from Mom:

1 - NEVER wake a sleeping baby.

2 - ALWAYS pee right after sex.

Without Mom, all I'd be is a shitty babysitter with a Urinary Tract Infection. Instead, I'm a nurturing caregiver with a clean bill of urethral health.

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who didn't give up on me after 20 hours of labor, not to mention the subsequent 26 years (some of which HAD to be more painful than childbirth). You're my rock and if you ever die, I'll freaking kill you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

No Offense, But...


I have avoided writing about the recent Miss California controversy for as long as possible because beauty pageants twist my granny panties into knots of epic proportions. They are outdated gawk-fests devoted to applauding thin and mostly white future E! correspondents, reality show hosts, and Sarah Palins for their ability to don a bathing suit and a pair of stilettos in front of a large audience. But now Carrie Prejean ("Miss California") has become the new face for a National Organization for Marriage advertising campaign.

Prejean first shot into the controversial spotlight when during the interview portion of Miss USA she responded to judge Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage with the following:

"We live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Once one finishes digesting the near unintelligible ramblings of this 21 year old evangelical, a few things come to mind:

1.) Did blondie really just coin the term "OPPOSITE MARRIAGE?"

2.) She only THINKS that she believes this?

3.) Why am I suddenly feeling nostalgic for Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 and her "everything, like, such as..." incoherence?

Now Prejean [surname is Latin for "before blue jeans"] is being championed by NOfM for "having the courage to speak up for her truth and values," according to a press release from the group, which also stated that "Carrie's courage inspired a whole nation and a whole generation of young people because she chose to risk the Miss USA crown rather than be silent about her deepest moral values."

Deepest moral values? Prejean herself said she only THINKS she believes that marriage should be between two "opposites." This chick's got stronger opinions about which hair product is most effective in the treatment of dry scalp.

What is particularly amusing is that the title of NOfM's new ad is "No Offense," which is a phrase most people utter to dilute an unarguably offensive statement. It's also the phrase used by Prejean herself during the interview that supposedly cost her the Miss USA tiara.

And speaking of tiaras, it should be pointed out that there are few things in this world [including Perez Hilton] that are gayer than a beauty pageant. A bunch of queens in heavy makeup, all vying for a cubic zirconian headpiece.

For you history buffs out there, the Miss USA pageant came about in the early 1950s when Miss America crown holder Yolande Betbeze refused to pose for publicity shots in swimwear, prompting swimsuit company Catalina to formally withdraw their funding, opting to create their own competition. Essentially, Miss USA was conceived because the actual Miss America had moral values inconsistent with Catalina's desire to objectify the crown-holder in advertisements for their swimwear.

For you readers out there working on your pageant wave, I believe it goes something like:

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch your pearls and blow a kiss - to the OPPOSITE sex."

Monday, April 27, 2009

CRAMP STAMP: Mainstreaming Your Menses

Somebody out there thought that this was a brilliant idea. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with: The Period Bracelet [compliments of http://periodbracelet.com]. Making your menses as fashionable as AIDS and breast cancer while letting that special someone know that it's Red Badge of Courage week. Perhaps the only feeling worse than pulling out a dry tampon is having a company called "MAXI-RAD" suggest that you wear one around your wrist. Bloody infuriating, huh? I could go on, but I'm going to need some coffee and a Midol first...

*Note: This is a GENUINE product, and according to the website, can be used for "relationship management."

Parental Guidance Suggested?

Movie Moments that Terrified an Already Anxiety-Ridden Child

1.) Fried Green Tomatoes: DEATH BY TRAIN
When I arrived at my best friend's 10th birthday slumber party I never expected that by the end of the night a PG-13 movie would result in an anxiety attack so severe that I'd have to abandon my sleeping bag and share a bed with her mom. [Note to Pervs: This is NOT going where you think it is.]

Hours prior to my schluffing with Mrs. W., we held a vote for which movie rental we would watch. I'm pretty sure my vote went to Blank Check. Unfortunately, Brian Bonsall and I were the big losers of the evening and instead our party group watched the age-inappropriate Fried Green Tomatoes.

 When Chris O'Donnell's "Buddy" was accidentally crushed to death by a train, something inside me snapped. Prior to this evening, I had never thought about dying in such a manner. Perhaps the expression of fear in O'Donnell's baby blues is less disturbing in it's artificiality to an adult, but fuck if it wasn't convincing enough to instill sheer terror in my neurotic fourth grade soul.

At 26 years old, I still experience a twinge of discomfort whenever I hear a train in the distance. Harmless chick flick? I think not. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure--press play below. And do me a favor - make sure no kids are in the room.

(Hey, O'Donnell! Tell Nancy Botwin to get her own fucking hat! You're about to destroy what's left of my childhood!)


2. Hook - THE BOO BOX:
I can't imagine why, but something about being forced into a small box by angry pirates and then being covered with scorpions just never sat well with me. Now that I know the victim in this scene is being portrayed by Glenn Close, it's actually kind of amusing.

Patty Hewes couldn't scheme her way out of this one...


3. Pee Wee's Big Adventure: LARGE MARGE
There's been a great deal of advancement in computer technology and special effects since 1985, but Large Marge and her explosive [claymation?] googly eyes still creeped me the hell out. I remember being four and watching it on VHS. I'd rewind over and over again to try and desensitize myself to this scene, but the old hag still sent shivers down my spine every time. Now all I want to know is why the balls my parents were letting me watch this crap in the first place.


4. The Witches: SCARY BITCHES
There was nothing magical about the scene below. A group of batshit crazy adults hold little Luke down so they can force a pill down his throat, transforming him into a mouse. I was seven or eight when this came out on VHS, and I'm fairly certain the only pre-screening my dad did was scanning the back of the cover box at Movie Gallery right before he decided it was the perfect weekend rental for his daughters. Granted, this wasn't as bad as the time he tried to make us watch all 103 minutes of The Secret of Roan Inish (it was during that epic cinematic snoozefest I learned what being "bored to death" actually felt like).

Help yourself to some child abuse, why dontcha:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Kudos to Jewdos


Just felt like posting a quick "congratulations" to any Jew-folk who actually managed to keep it Kosher for the eight days of Pesach. May your yeast rise in sweet, leavened glory upon sunset. Amen.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Pound Puppies are for Prudes

There is much to abhor about the "Tini Puppini" dolls. More specifically - they're ugly bitches, dressed like whores, and cost a whopping thirty bucks a pop. Not to mention, they're recommended for children between the ages of 5 and 7.

WOOF.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Dear Ndugu: Sorry to hear about losing your arms. Maybe this image of my new engagement ring will cheer you up!



Every month, one or two of my female Facebook friends become engaged. And because a visible change of relationship status on the lucky lady's profile isn't exciting enough - said woman takes it upon herself to post digital shots of her left hand, now complete with a sparkling (and financially crippling) blood diamond. Sure some kid in Africa probably lost a limb or two for that rock, but hey, you're American - and ENGAGED!

I wouldn't necessarily care if NewsFeed didn't force the photos upon me when I sign in, even if I adjust the settings (and oh, how I've tried). It's fascinating how a private moment between two adults can turn into a public spectacle of "Look! Congratulate Me!" so quickly.

Ten years from now, if I think my life is going to be short enough to promise the rest of it to someone else, MAYBE I'll get engaged. By that time, my husband-to-be and I should be able to broadcast the ceremony live via Facebook so that we can force our "sorta friends" and "distant acquaintances" to share in our utterly nauseating joy.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Total Gym...Total Hilarity

Chuck Norris PROMISES it works. Christie Brinkley almost orgasms on it. And Wesley Snipes helps them name all the parts of the body that can benefit from this fantastically versatile piece of equipment. If you don't secretly love this mini infommercial, you're kind of a dick.