Friday, June 27, 2008

Jack (The Roommate - Not Bauer) Strikes Again!

Woke up today, went into the kitchen and saw this:

I guess his Lean Pocket packaging didn't quite make it into the garbage can and good ole Jack either didn't notice or didn't want to bend down to pick it up. I'm thinking he didn't want to bend down.

Then I saw the counter:

Everything is empty, of course.

Then I thought I'd take a little trip into the living room to see if anything had changed...

Extra points if you can spot ALL of the Butterfinger wrappers in the living room photo!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Jack Bauer Guide To Emotional Compartmentalization

The Jack Bauer Guide To Emotional Compartmentalization.

No, it isn't a book. YET.

But after watching the entire sixth season of "24" last week, I've decided that somebody needs to get on this idea - and fast.

Jack Bauer has had at least six seriously intense days - that we know of - and somehow he still manages to put his socks on in the morning. I have only viewed seasons 1, 2, and 6 - but that's all I need to know that compared to Jack Bauer (fictional character, yes) the rest of us are pussies.

Admit it. The United States is depressed. We're in a recession (yeah, I said it!), there's a war going on, and that guy who talks like he's having word seizures is still in the White House. Drug companies are taking advantage of this country plagued with depression by trying to sell us happy pills to alleviate the pain. What we need is a self-help book in the vein of one very special "Special Agent."

How does Jack Bauer keep going each season (assuming there's no writers strike) when the worst crap happens to him? At the beginning of season six, the US government pulls Bauer out of a Chinese prison so that he can be murdered by the crazy terrorist Fayed (a terrorist named Fayed - how creative!) so that the American people will be safe from nuclear terrorism. And you know what? When Jack escapes that situation - instead of crying because the country he served for so many years tried to have him killed - he jumped on board to help. Sure he has a daughter out there and a girlfriend somewhere. Sure he's been through traumatizing amounts of physical abuse, torture, and emotional distress. But Bauer wouldn't be caught dead bitching and moaning about it.

His secret? Somebody knows how to emotionally compartmentalize. I think we'd all be able to accomplish a lot more if we had Bauer's ability to just TURN IT OFF whenever we want.

Here is a list of a few situations where emotional compartmentalization could potentially help you:

-When you find out that your father and brother armed terrorists with the nuke that just murdered 12,000 of your fellow citizens.

-When you have to physically/pharmaceutically torture a sibling to get information out of them (happens more often than you'd think!).

-When you find out your dad killed your brother and is trying to kidnap your nephew (who looks a LOT like your daughter Kim).

-When you have to stop your nephew from shooting your dad before leaving your dad to die on the platform of an oil refinery about to be blown to pieces.

-When you have to steal a helicopter. (Hey, it happens.)

-When you're the only person in the world who knows the truth and nobody will listen even though this has happened on five previous occasions!

Trash Receptacles: Helpful Repository or Useless Commodity?

The Garbage Can. Useful for things like trash and... trash. But my roommate Jack would have you believe otherwise. You see, Jack prefers not to bother his garbage can when it's nice and empty. In fact, Jack likes to display his garbage around the house for others to admire.

Oh look, Jack finished that bag of miniature Butterfingers! How do I know? Because the wrappers were decorating the living room floor. Hey, there's an empty Pop Tart box and a wrapper lying next to it on the kitchen counter. Jack must have had a late night snack and left it for me as a surprise!

Put dirty dishes in the dishwasher? Ha! Who needs a dishwasher when there's a coffee table on which you can leave everything? Check out the pictures below. I call it "Jack Shui." Like Feng Shui, but with less Feng and more Jack.

If you look closely, you can almost make out Jack's dirty sock collection underneath the coffee table here.

Cherry Pop Tart anyone? Oh, I'm sorry - these are EMPTY.

The only thing this Dr. Pepper box contains is air. Help yourself!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

My Roommate Jack

After almost three months of searching for proper housing in Los Angeles, I finally settled in Sherman Oaks. The apartment comes equipped with central heating and air, a washer/dryer in the unit (VERY important), and a 28 year old slob we're going to call "Jack" (short for "Jackass").

Jack is an actor/waiter. Translation: Jack is a waiter. I have never seen him participate in anything creative, rehearse for a role, or get off his ass to attend an audition. When he's not working at Chili's, he's on the couch watching television and playing video games. The other day he asked me why I never come out of my room. I told him I'm constantly writing. The truth? I'm not constantly writing. I'm constantly looking for jobs on Craigslist and watching Law & Order reruns (Original, SVU, and Criminal Intent. I'm hardcore.). And yes, I could do all of this outside of my bedroom. Except I never come out of said room because JACK is always on the fucking couch sitting in a pile of trash with all of his dirty dishes and food containers from the last three weeks collecting mold on the coffee table before him (while looking for "auditions" on Craigslist, of course). And I'd rather be in my room.

I found Jack on Craigslist (Do they have an "AA" type organization for Craigslisters? Because I think I have a legitimate problem.). Jack was seeking a roommate to fill the second bedroom in his apartment. He seemed normal enough when I met him the first time. His movie collection was vast but unimpressive. When I asked what the deal was with his bad romantic dramedy section - specifically the Mandy Moore and Shane West shitflick "A Walk To Remember" - Jack admitted to having a strong emotional reaction to the teen drama. I swallowed the vomit that had just collected in my mouth and continued to search the wall of DVDs.

Then I saw that he also owned the entire series of The West Wing, which I told him was one of my favorite shows of all time. We discussed the show for a little while and I decided that I could most certainly live with a dude who shares my appreciation for Aaron Sorkin programming. My reasoning? I figured that Jack and I probably share similar socio-political values, which makes for a more comfortable living environment.

Then I moved in and found out that Jack is actually a Southern Baptist Republican who voted for Bush twice and doesn't have any regrets. In fact, my West Wing loving roommate actually feels sorry for Bush and all the "hardships" that he has endured over the course of his presidency.

So, yeah. As someone who grew up in Tallahassee, Florida surrounded by evangelical conservatives for twelve years - to find out that I now get to share a living space with someone who rejects the Theory of Evolution... I'm less than thrilled. Check back for more Jack... That rhymed a little more than I intended.