Friday, May 16, 2014

CAUGHT ON FILM: Hungry egret hunts for next meal

I know it's a vertical video and people hate vertical videos but I didn't think I could keep the whole bird in the frame as I got closer if I shot horizontally.

For some reason the fullscreen option isn't available when I embed on the blog, so click this link so you can actually see what happens. The best part is the end, so watch the whole thing!




Wednesday, May 14, 2014

My name is Sam and I am not, in fact, in your pants.

What appears to be an attempt at feminine hygiene humor misses the mark entirely. Cue the cringe...


When I think about how this commercial came to fruition, I imagine the Poise creative team sitting around a conference table going over ideas when some suit that we'll call "Bob" stands up.

BOB
Edgy. We need something edgy!

LADY EXECUTIVE
We're still selling pantyliners, right?

BOB
Yes but open your mind, girlfriend! It's time to think outside the box of tampons.
Have you forgotten what the Summer's Eve people did with body wash in January?
It was brilliant! Let's watch it again!

  CUE VIDEO:


END VIDEO.
Collective eye rolling among the execs.

BOB
Husband accidentally uses wife's body wash in shower. Wife points out to husband he's loofahing with lady product! Husband freaks out and goes on hilarious masculine activity binge! He swallows raw eggs, you guys! That was great!

LADY EXEC
We saw the ad, Bob. And actually, it was really fucking sexist.

BOB
(ignoring Lady Exec)
We can top Summers Eve. We can do better than the body wash spot.
I have two words for you: Funny Women.

LADY EXEC
Bob, I get what you're tr--

BOB
Women are funny! And we're going to show the world how funny you can be!

LADY EXEC
With pantyliners.

BOB
With pantyliners! And hilarious innuendo!

LADY EXEC
This is a stupid idea.

BOB
No it isn't, Samantha. And I'm gonna prove it.

END SCENE.

End post.

"Millionaire" moment reminds woman of blog she abandoned

Joined my mother on the couch for a bit of "Millionaire" tonight. Started in the middle of an episode and this was the first question:
Lady won $25,000 with "Sex life" and lost it a minute later on a Harlem Globetrotters question. 

This little moment reminded me of my most precious blog. I abandoned this sweet space when I fell on some tough times in 2012. A lot has happened/changed since then. Going to try and start updating soon but I can't promise "comedy" at this point because it's been a very long time since I have written anything funny. I bought my first DSLR a year ago so maybe I'll start posting by some new photos in the near future.

Bagelin' and Kegelin' 4-eva,
Sam

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Get me out of here.


I love my relatives and I am truly grateful for their hospitality in my time of homelessness but I have to get out of the Santa Clarita Valley. Maybe this is good preparation for the eternity I am told I will spend in Hell but I lived in Florida for the first 25 years of my life and I feel like I have more than paid my dues.

Going to check out a room in a house in the San Fernando Valley this evening. If all goes well I am hoping to move as soon as possible. Until then I'll just have to continue surviving on cold showers, popsicles, and the occasional trip to my car to blast the air conditioning.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Make it stop. My eyes are bleeding.

Last night I was flipping through the channels at my temporary residence in Santa Clarita when I zoned out. A few minutes later I noticed that the snickerdoodle cookie I was eating started to taste like tinfoil. That is when I realized I was watching Big Ang.

Never having been exposed to this creature before I took to Google to find out what the hell turned my cousin's delicious confection to shit in mouth. My search led me to a Starcasm article from January, which not only featured a terrifying shot of Big Ang but an advertisement for the latest Teen Mom exploitation.


Trying to decide what was more offensive--Big Ang's facebomb or the subtle title of Teen Mom's musical endeavor--proved trying, so I will leave it up to you. I tend to lean toward Big Ang but that really isn't fair to Farrah Abraham as I still haven't listened to her song. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

And so begins my rap career...

(Gotta love this incredibly unflattering default screencap.)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Girl documents first drain cleaning experience for no reason at all

My bathroom sink drain has been relatively stopped-up for months but I've avoided doing anything Drano-related as I don't want to accidentally kill myself in the de-clogging process. Things got worse a couple weeks ago so I took to Facebook and asked some friends for advice and that's how I learned about the Zip-It Clean.

So I ordered the thing.

Then I made the mistake of watching some YouTube videos from Zip-It Clean customers showing off the visually offensive results of their efforts. My enthusiasm for this safe drain cleaning method quickly dissipated.

Today my Zip-It Clean arrived.


Like my first time at pretty much everything--I was nervous. But I decided to the right thing. The brave thing. I was going to violate this drain like a mofo.

So without any further ado:

Sachs v. Drain


Splashing debris and plug detachment aside, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. After ten minutes of fumbling around like a blind aspiring plumber I managed to reattach the plug to the thingy inside (yes, "thingy" is the technical term). Now it was time to put this drain to the test.

Putting the drain to the test


And that is how it's done, bitches. That is how it's done.