Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Get me out of here.


I love my relatives and I am truly grateful for their hospitality in my time of homelessness but I have to get out of the Santa Clarita Valley. Maybe this is good preparation for the eternity I am told I will spend in Hell but I lived in Florida for the first 25 years of my life and I feel like I have more than paid my dues.

Going to check out a room in a house in the San Fernando Valley this evening. If all goes well I am hoping to move as soon as possible. Until then I'll just have to continue surviving on cold showers, popsicles, and the occasional trip to my car to blast the air conditioning.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Make it stop. My eyes are bleeding.

Last night I was flipping through the channels at my temporary residence in Santa Clarita when I zoned out. A few minutes later I noticed that the snickerdoodle cookie I was eating started to taste like tinfoil. That is when I realized I was watching Big Ang.

Never having been exposed to this creature before I took to Google to find out what the hell turned my cousin's delicious confection to shit in mouth. My search led me to a Starcasm article from January, which not only featured a terrifying shot of Big Ang but an advertisement for the latest Teen Mom exploitation.


Trying to decide what was more offensive--Big Ang's facebomb or the subtle title of Teen Mom's musical endeavor--proved trying, so I will leave it up to you. I tend to lean toward Big Ang but that really isn't fair to Farrah Abraham as I still haven't listened to her song. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

And so begins my rap career...

(Gotta love this incredibly unflattering default screencap.)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Girl documents first drain cleaning experience for no reason at all

My bathroom sink drain has been relatively stopped-up for months but I've avoided doing anything Drano-related as I don't want to accidentally kill myself in the de-clogging process. Things got worse a couple weeks ago so I took to Facebook and asked some friends for advice and that's how I learned about the Zip-It Clean.

So I ordered the thing.

Then I made the mistake of watching some YouTube videos from Zip-It Clean customers showing off the visually offensive results of their efforts. My enthusiasm for this safe drain cleaning method quickly dissipated.

Today my Zip-It Clean arrived.


Like my first time at pretty much everything--I was nervous. But I decided to the right thing. The brave thing. I was going to violate this drain like a mofo.

So without any further ado:

Sachs v. Drain


Splashing debris and plug detachment aside, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. After ten minutes of fumbling around like a blind aspiring plumber I managed to reattach the plug to the thingy inside (yes, "thingy" is the technical term). Now it was time to put this drain to the test.

Putting the drain to the test


And that is how it's done, bitches. That is how it's done.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


My debit card ("Swipey Sachs") was last seen Saturday evening in the YooHoo Room at Flappers Comedy Club.  She's about 3 years old, blue and silver, with the image of my 18 year old self located on her upper left-hand corner.  She's set to expire in March 2011 and we were really counting on making the most of these last few (financially strained) months together.

And I want a sandwich.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Car Salesman Illustrates Contract Terms (or How I Was Confused into Leasing a Corolla).

Found this treasure when I was refiling some documents the other day.


This image intimidated me into signing a three year contract on a vehicle I didn't even want.  My shame is profound.