Monday, April 27, 2009

Parental Guidance Suggested?

Movie Moments that Terrified an Already Anxiety-Ridden Child

1.) Fried Green Tomatoes: DEATH BY TRAIN
When I arrived at my best friend's 10th birthday slumber party I never expected that by the end of the night a PG-13 movie would result in an anxiety attack so severe that I'd have to abandon my sleeping bag and share a bed with her mom. [Note to Pervs: This is NOT going where you think it is.]

Hours prior to my schluffing with Mrs. W., we held a vote for which movie rental we would watch. I'm pretty sure my vote went to Blank Check. Unfortunately, Brian Bonsall and I were the big losers of the evening and instead our party group watched the age-inappropriate Fried Green Tomatoes.

 When Chris O'Donnell's "Buddy" was accidentally crushed to death by a train, something inside me snapped. Prior to this evening, I had never thought about dying in such a manner. Perhaps the expression of fear in O'Donnell's baby blues is less disturbing in it's artificiality to an adult, but fuck if it wasn't convincing enough to instill sheer terror in my neurotic fourth grade soul.

At 26 years old, I still experience a twinge of discomfort whenever I hear a train in the distance. Harmless chick flick? I think not. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure--press play below. And do me a favor - make sure no kids are in the room.

(Hey, O'Donnell! Tell Nancy Botwin to get her own fucking hat! You're about to destroy what's left of my childhood!)

2. Hook - THE BOO BOX:
I can't imagine why, but something about being forced into a small box by angry pirates and then being covered with scorpions just never sat well with me. Now that I know the victim in this scene is being portrayed by Glenn Close, it's actually kind of amusing.

Patty Hewes couldn't scheme her way out of this one...

3. Pee Wee's Big Adventure: LARGE MARGE
There's been a great deal of advancement in computer technology and special effects since 1985, but Large Marge and her explosive [claymation?] googly eyes still creeped me the hell out. I remember being four and watching it on VHS. I'd rewind over and over again to try and desensitize myself to this scene, but the old hag still sent shivers down my spine every time. Now all I want to know is why the balls my parents were letting me watch this crap in the first place.

4. The Witches: SCARY BITCHES
There was nothing magical about the scene below. A group of batshit crazy adults hold little Luke down so they can force a pill down his throat, transforming him into a mouse. I was seven or eight when this came out on VHS, and I'm fairly certain the only pre-screening my dad did was scanning the back of the cover box at Movie Gallery right before he decided it was the perfect weekend rental for his daughters. Granted, this wasn't as bad as the time he tried to make us watch all 103 minutes of The Secret of Roan Inish (it was during that epic cinematic snoozefest I learned what being "bored to death" actually felt like).

Help yourself to some child abuse, why dontcha:


Liana said...

OMG Large Marge traumatized me too, lol. Those eyes were freaky as shit.

Anonymous said...

The train scene in Fried Green Tomatoes and The Witches scenes totally did it to me too!