Saturday, May 01, 2010

Kohls: Expect Free Kids

[DISCLAIMER: This article is for (poor quality) entertainment purposes only. Sam Sachs does not condone kidnapping. She is actually really fucking maternal. Also available for babysitting gigs.

Want a child but don't feel like birthing one of your own? Are you an out-of-work kidnapper looking for an easy score?

Your search is over if you live in the San Fernando Valley.

Just head over to the Sun Valley Kohls off Laurel Canyon Boulevard on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

If they have a policy on unsupervised children, they do not uphold it. In fact, one of the store managers relayed to me that he's "a little shy" when it comes to confronting the shittiest parents, who really don't deserve these kids anyway, am I right?

Kohls has a vast selection of unattended, snatch-able youths. Sure they're all running around screaming, but this just means when you grab one and the child verbally objects, nobody is likely to notice (you're probably just the fed-up parent taking your little bastard home).

I highly recommend the Juniors' clothing department, specifically in the denim section next to the Levi's display. Twenty feet away at least one mother is preoccupied in her search for that perfect pair of skinny jeans (and she knows they're there). It is this mother who is oblivious to the fact that her children have wandered off and if you don't grab one soon they're going to be effing around in the handbag section, which is in the middle of the store. The Juniors' department is conveniently located next to the exit, if you know what I mean (and I think that you do).

Good luck and happy hunting to you.