So, I was going through some files on my computer and I came across a writing sample from back in March when I was still looking to Craigslist for employment opportunities. Initially I had posted this somewhat raunchy piece for my friends on Facebook, but refrained from putting it here because I wasn't sure I wanted the rest of the world to know of the gift I have for reviewing fake gay porn.
I'll throw in the whole Facebook post, because it explains where exactly I was in life at that time. In addition to having found a place to live (yes, I'm still cooped up with Jack the Slob), I've been working a kickass internship since early August. I'm still very much in need of a paid full time position. Or a winning lottery ticket.
Anyway, here it is. (Needless to say, I wasn't offered the gig.)
As many of you know, I have recently moved to Los Angeles -- where I intend to become a successful and/or famous comedy writer/performer. This will be a long and tired process. Years of my life will fly before my eyes and one day I will wake up an old barren woman, my ovaries having shriveled away into marbles of broken dreams.
But before all of that can happen, I have to start somewhere. And in addition to not having a place to live here in LA LA Land, I also don't have a job. So I've been doing the job-search thing. Pumping through Craigslist ads and sending my resume out to people I've never broken bread or held hands with.
And today I stumbled across an ad for something unconventional, to say the very least. It was a writing gig -- a film reviewer of sorts. For gay porn.
"Must be comfortable watching videos of things that might not be of your particular interest, such as: fetish, fisting, etc."
"Must be able to write about raunchy dvd/internet content with HUMOR in between and throughout."
Well, then! I considered myself challenged.
They asked for a writing sample reviewing gay sexually explicit material. So, instead of checking out the latest gay porn on the internet, I decided to make up a fake movie, use some character names from the film Boogie Nights, and incorporate Matt Damon into something... different.
WRITING SAMPLE: Review of "Sleigh Balls."
Sleigh Balls is the big winner this XXX-Mas, kids. Gay porn hasn't seen a holiday feature like this since 2003's Deck The Holes. Sleigh Balls – starring Dirk Diggler (as Santa) and Buck Swope (as Elfie the Elf) – is a story about fucking, getting fucked, and the human condition.
Santa, a strapping young toymaker with an affinity for red velvet clothing, must deliver Christmas presents to the entire world – in a single night. With the help of his good friend (and sometimes Butt Buddy) Elfie, Santa will try to get the job done in time for the Christmas Day fuck of a lifetime.
In one of the most gripping scenes of the film, Elfie sucks Santa's throbbing cock on top of the Sylvester family roof while Dasher, Dancer, and the gang watch their master groan in pleasure just before he cums down the chimney. (Note: Check out Donner – he's hung like a horse!)
The fuckfest begins when Santa takes out his naughty list and visits the home of Cletus Mack (played by Matt Damon) – who is holding an all-naked, all-male Christmas Eve party at his Malibu beach home. Santa brings his bag full of sex toys and pumps those nasty studs full of his warm man-nog.
After a three-minute battle with testicular cancer, Elfie succumbs to his illness and dies in Santa's arms, but not before one last blowjob underneath the mistletoe.
This Christmas, grab the lube, whip it out and choose the Santa with the bowl full of KY Jelly. Sleigh Balls – cumming soon to DVD.